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In a world of second-guessing
                           uncertainty
your eyes, darkened by shadows, peer out
at a barely-recognizable homeland
is it really a home?
trust is torn apart by claws of hatred and
thrown among the despairing—
there is no welcome mat here

There is only fear
a thick slime left behind in the footprints of our shadows
a smell thick enough to taste
an orange light penetrating our dreams

But keep your heart with me
and I’ll try to be your refuge
you can hear the birdsong where I cannot
and it’s because of you
that I can keep smiling
©2008-2009 ~tinyplaidninja
:icontinyplaidninja:

Author's Comments

woo more creative writing prompts! this one was supposed to be about one of the photos from the new RJI site my teacher made. the homeland is supposed to be Palestine. so yeah. and the title is supposed to go with the poem, if you didn't catch that.

anyway, critique/comments/feedback is extremely welcome, as always.

EDIT: the title doesn't go with the first line anymore. and i added the second stanza because it was too much of a jump before. hopefully it's just better overall now.

EDIT: changed the first stanza and the title. i decided i changed it enough that it deserved a resubmission.
p.s. you can find the photo it goes with here .

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconblamexmyself:
maybe a bit more transition between the two halves, cause it was a bit jumpy
otherwise its good :]

--
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli
:icontinyplaidninja:
t'as raison. that means you're right in french. i was thinking about that today. i will definitely add a few lines in there. thanks jelly!

--
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
:ninja:

"13 pi over 6 does not equal pi over 6. It's just kind of one of those 'duh' things."
-Dr. Harnett during Math Analysis
:iconblamexmyself:
woah, i dont remember commenting on this...
huh
anyway, i was gona say i like everythin except the use of 'thick' 2x so closely in the second stanza

--
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli
:iconpunks-never-dead:
this one was pretty damn good....

--
-------------------------------------
The dash between the comment and the signature isn't long enough
:icontinyplaidninja:
thank you :)

--
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
:ninja:

"13 pi over 6 does not equal pi over 6. It's just kind of one of those 'duh' things."
-Dr. Harnett during Math Analysis
:icontinyplaidninja:
yeah you did. and it helped ^^ i added the second stanza when you said that the transition was too quick.
hmm i hadn't noticed that until just now. i think i might leave it only because it takes you back to the whole slime thing, and that's what i want. but thanks for pointing it out

--
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
:ninja:

"13 pi over 6 does not equal pi over 6. It's just kind of one of those 'duh' things."
-Dr. Harnett during Math Analysis
:iconblamexmyself:
lol ok :]
im glad i helped

--
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli
:icontinyplaidninja:
you always do, jelly ^^

--
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
:ninja:

"13 pi over 6 does not equal pi over 6. It's just kind of one of those 'duh' things."
-Dr. Harnett during Math Analysis
:iconblamexmyself:
*blushes*
aww thx =)

--
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli

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May 12, 2008
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